Fears

Wow. First week without seeing either Danielle, Diane or Paul since the show began. It was a weird week. Very weird. Anyways, I haven’t worked all week save for Monday and have spent some time discovering new podcasts. One such podcast is “The Mental Illness Happy Hour” by Paul Gilmartin. Great show. Check it out. Here is the M.O. :

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Weekly online podcast interviews with comedians, artists, friends, and the occasional doctor. All exploring mental illness, addiction and depression, especially among creatives.

A segment on the show involves Gilmartin having a “fear-off” with his guest. Basically they go back and forth sharing something they are afraid of (some rational, some irrational) and whoever runs out of fear is crowned the loser. Today I forced myself to honestly list some of my rational and irrational fears. Here they be :

Jon’s Fears

  • crashing in an airplane
  • crying in public
  • getting diarrhea in public and having to use a public restroom. The restroom would be at capacity and my ‘rhea would be explosive.
  • getting into a car accident and having all the passengers in my car die leaving me the sole survivor
  • having to choose between my lover and my best friends
  • having to choose between my lover and my family
  • losing my hair
  • slooowly going blind
  • contracting genital herpes out of the BLUE (like I contracted it years and years ago but it laid dormant…like a herpes sneak attack) and then having to convince my lover that it was a sneak attack and not a result of me being unfaithful
  • adopting a child or having one through surrogacy and as the child grows it becomes painfully obvious that our personalities just don’t mesh and I wish I were not a parent
  • that I was wrong in my atheism and have to beg to not burn in hell BUT decide not to out of pride and end up burning for all eternity
  • getting a contact lodged into the side of my eyeball and not be able to retrieve it.
  • discovering that I have an ovary and all my stomach issues have really been just menstrual cramps.
  • my enemy becoming successful. FUCK this happened.
  • discovering that I am not nearly as good at poker as I think and all my poker friends want me around because I suck and they all make fun of me behind my back
  • that someone will walk in on me having sex
  • whenever I am constipated I have a fear that I will push so hard that my asshole breaks and I shoot my intestines out, hemorrhage  and die on the toilet.
  • someone hacks into my computer and writes horrible emails to my friends and family
  • someone hacks my bank account and wipes it out
  • the breaks on my car will fail
  • I will gain weight and not be able to lose it
  • I lose my two front teeth. Or any of my teeth.
  • Getting hit in the face by something and not see it coming so there is that terrible combination of shock, surprise, and pain
  • being in a long checkout lane at the grocery store and my check card being declined
  • getting early onset Alzheimer’s
  • being arrested for a crime I did not commit
  • discovering I am adopted
  • someone breaking into my apartment stealing my shit and killing both my cats
  • having a child who has some rare disorder and needs some vital organ and me not being a match and the child dies
  • being flatulent mid coitus
  • slowly growing breasts out of the blue
  • not waking up
  • my co-hosts secretly hate me and are planning something awful
  • discovering I have cancer
  • my mother having an illness that I am helpless to cure
  • any member of my family or friends being raped and murdered and splayed out somewhere public and onlookers snap their picture and post it all over the internet
  • being horribly disfigured and wanting to die because I am terribly vain.
  • being dumped
  • being cheated on with someone younger and in better shape
  • discovering that I am not over my nicotine addiction and start smoking
  • being assaulted by a psychopath
  • discovering that my degree was not earned but was the result of some mistake and I have to give it back
  • SOPA being made into law
  • The right wing gains a shit ton of supporters and shit goes down
  • nuclear war
  • my family and friends thinking I’m a failure
  • becoming a paraplegic
  • sometimes when I cut my fingernails I am afraid of cutting them too close and getting a hang nail
  • being the victim of a hate crime
  • that I’m not nearly as clever as I think I am
  • that I’m not funny
  • my talent is marginal at best
  • that I’m infested with tapeworms and other parasites
  • that I’ll one day be homeless
  • that naked pictures I took years ago will one day surface
  • I’ll wake up one day with boils all over my face
  • having my identity stolen
  • I used to be nervous around clowns-but I think I’m over that one
  • getting lost and ending up at a white supremacist compound
  • being held up at gunpoint, not having my wallet on me and getting shot
  • all my dark secrets being unearthed
  • being impotent (even though it doesn’t really matter)
  • bumping into that one person I was mean to in high school
  • getting into a domestic argument in public
  • talking about someone behind their back while they are literally behind mine
  • taking a pill to sleep and waking up in a fugue state and calling everyone I love and telling them I hate them
  • taking a risk that might lead to success but might cause embarrassment if the answer is “no”
  • being thought of as a “joke”
  • disappointing my mother
  • not being able to care for my parents when they are in their twilight years
  • being a parent and being a really shitty one
  • slipping BUT not falling in public. Just a slip which involves arms flailing and awkward screaming
  • having to buy embarrassing personal products from the grocery store and bumping into neighbors
  • sending a sexy text to the wrong person
Fear. I really hope that none of these come to pass. Especially the one about my teeth. 


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