Fears

Wow. First week without seeing either Danielle, Diane or Paul since the show began. It was a weird week. Very weird. Anyways, I haven’t worked all week save for Monday and have spent some time discovering new podcasts. One such podcast is “The Mental Illness Happy Hour” by Paul Gilmartin. Great show. Check it out. Here is the M.O. :

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Weekly online podcast interviews with comedians, artists, friends, and the occasional doctor. All exploring mental illness, addiction and depression, especially among creatives.

A segment on the show involves Gilmartin having a “fear-off” with his guest. Basically they go back and forth sharing something they are afraid of (some rational, some irrational) and whoever runs out of fear is crowned the loser. Today I forced myself to honestly list some of my rational and irrational fears. Here they be :

Jon’s Fears

  • crashing in an airplane
  • crying in public
  • getting diarrhea in public and having to use a public restroom. The restroom would be at capacity and my ‘rhea would be explosive.
  • getting into a car accident and having all the passengers in my car die leaving me the sole survivor
  • having to choose between my lover and my best friends
  • having to choose between my lover and my family
  • losing my hair
  • slooowly going blind
  • contracting genital herpes out of the BLUE (like I contracted it years and years ago but it laid dormant…like a herpes sneak attack) and then having to convince my lover that it was a sneak attack and not a result of me being unfaithful
  • adopting a child or having one through surrogacy and as the child grows it becomes painfully obvious that our personalities just don’t mesh and I wish I were not a parent
  • that I was wrong in my atheism and have to beg to not burn in hell BUT decide not to out of pride and end up burning for all eternity
  • getting a contact lodged into the side of my eyeball and not be able to retrieve it.
  • discovering that I have an ovary and all my stomach issues have really been just menstrual cramps.
  • my enemy becoming successful. FUCK this happened.
  • discovering that I am not nearly as good at poker as I think and all my poker friends want me around because I suck and they all make fun of me behind my back
  • that someone will walk in on me having sex
  • whenever I am constipated I have a fear that I will push so hard that my asshole breaks and I shoot my intestines out, hemorrhage  and die on the toilet.
  • someone hacks into my computer and writes horrible emails to my friends and family
  • someone hacks my bank account and wipes it out
  • the breaks on my car will fail
  • I will gain weight and not be able to lose it
  • I lose my two front teeth. Or any of my teeth.
  • Getting hit in the face by something and not see it coming so there is that terrible combination of shock, surprise, and pain
  • being in a long checkout lane at the grocery store and my check card being declined
  • getting early onset Alzheimer’s
  • being arrested for a crime I did not commit
  • discovering I am adopted
  • someone breaking into my apartment stealing my shit and killing both my cats
  • having a child who has some rare disorder and needs some vital organ and me not being a match and the child dies
  • being flatulent mid coitus
  • slowly growing breasts out of the blue
  • not waking up
  • my co-hosts secretly hate me and are planning something awful
  • discovering I have cancer
  • my mother having an illness that I am helpless to cure
  • any member of my family or friends being raped and murdered and splayed out somewhere public and onlookers snap their picture and post it all over the internet
  • being horribly disfigured and wanting to die because I am terribly vain.
  • being dumped
  • being cheated on with someone younger and in better shape
  • discovering that I am not over my nicotine addiction and start smoking
  • being assaulted by a psychopath
  • discovering that my degree was not earned but was the result of some mistake and I have to give it back
  • SOPA being made into law
  • The right wing gains a shit ton of supporters and shit goes down
  • nuclear war
  • my family and friends thinking I’m a failure
  • becoming a paraplegic
  • sometimes when I cut my fingernails I am afraid of cutting them too close and getting a hang nail
  • being the victim of a hate crime
  • that I’m not nearly as clever as I think I am
  • that I’m not funny
  • my talent is marginal at best
  • that I’m infested with tapeworms and other parasites
  • that I’ll one day be homeless
  • that naked pictures I took years ago will one day surface
  • I’ll wake up one day with boils all over my face
  • having my identity stolen
  • I used to be nervous around clowns-but I think I’m over that one
  • getting lost and ending up at a white supremacist compound
  • being held up at gunpoint, not having my wallet on me and getting shot
  • all my dark secrets being unearthed
  • being impotent (even though it doesn’t really matter)
  • bumping into that one person I was mean to in high school
  • getting into a domestic argument in public
  • talking about someone behind their back while they are literally behind mine
  • taking a pill to sleep and waking up in a fugue state and calling everyone I love and telling them I hate them
  • taking a risk that might lead to success but might cause embarrassment if the answer is “no”
  • being thought of as a “joke”
  • disappointing my mother
  • not being able to care for my parents when they are in their twilight years
  • being a parent and being a really shitty one
  • slipping BUT not falling in public. Just a slip which involves arms flailing and awkward screaming
  • having to buy embarrassing personal products from the grocery store and bumping into neighbors
  • sending a sexy text to the wrong person
Fear. I really hope that none of these come to pass. Especially the one about my teeth. 


Stand-Up Comic Ricky Cisco Donates Kidney to Facebook Friend’s Husband

I follow some cool ass people on Tumblr, one of which being comedian Ricky Cisco. This dude cracks me up everyday. Today he became an inspiration.

A while back Cisco read a post from one of his facebook friends. The post read:

Wishing a Kidney would fall out of the sky so my husband can stop suffering. The doctors said it would take at least 5 years for a deceased kidney donor. So if anyone knows a live donor with Type O blood, PLEASE let me know.

Ricky responded and after a string of tests discovered he was  a match. In preparation for having to take months off of work to recover, Ricky set up a fundraising acct. to cover his living expenses, and through donations I am glad to report that he met his goal. This morning he and the man who needed the kidney, Jeffrey Kurze, went under the surgeon’s knife. I just learned via Kidney for Kurze that Ricky is out of surgery and doing well.

Secretly Timid wishes both Ricky and Jeffrey a speedy recovery.

Hoarders II : Road Trip

I’ve been been a busy bee all week. I’m house sitting in Dallas, kitten feeding in Addison, and working in West Plano. This means commute. This means fast food for breakfast. I spied this car parked in the parking lot at Jack in the Box. But alas! I was already in the drive-thru line. Oh well, I’ll just have to circle around the building to snip-snap this here picture. The car was packed full of plastic bags, empty gallons of water, plastic motor oil bottles, and other trash. A blue dumpster was just about 25 feet away. Oh, Iggy.

 

 

 

 


Where Have All the “Real” Men Gone?

I’ve been kinda busy this week. As a result I am a little behind on my programs. Late yesterday afternoon I finally got around to viewing Monday’s The View…and I gotta say…it annoyed me a little more than usual.  During the “Hot Topic” segment Elisabeth Hasselbeck attempted to lash out at comedian Bill Maher over a joke he made on his show last Friday. The result was just kinda awkward. E! News captures the exchange below :

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsJHIKp17zw[/youtube]

First, wow Lara Logan is hot. Second, it was a joke, and if you are going to be in the public eye you need to develop a thicker skin. Third, what is a “real man?” No, seriously. When I hear someone say “so and so is a real man” the picture I get is more Marlboro Man than modern, sensitive man of the new millennium. I see a lot of plaid shirts and rifles. I hear “where’s my dinner, woman?” I smell belches, farts, pork rinds and can imagine hours wasted watching football and  sense twisted fantasies involving tarts in Catholic school girl garb. All stereotypes, I know.I suppose I am just confused as to what Hasselbeck means and am getting so tired of people using this as an insult.

This is the same as Palin and O’Donnell repeating over and over again that “Insert male politician” needs to “man-up.”  What the hell does that mean? Be “strong”? Is that also an insult to womankind? I don’t get it.

Elisabeth, I know we don’t know each other. To be honest, I’ve talked some MAD shit about you behind your back. But dammit, I was just about to *sorta* like you. Ok, ok, “tolerate” is more accurate. But here is my advice…fight fire with fire. If someone uses you as a punch  line, either don’t acknowledge it or retaliate in kind. You have three comedians on the show with you…ask them for some help. Because, you see, I find these gender-based insults trite and irritating. You can do better.

Bitter Films : The Animation of Don Hertzfeldt

A few weeks ago my cool friend Melanie Sevcenko fed me chips and hummus and forced me to watch videos on YouTube. She showed me the work of Italian street artist “Blu” (real name unknown), and I turned her on to Drunk Dial. She then showed me a short film called “Billy’s Ballon,” from award winning animator Don Hertzfeldt.

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Happy Birthday, Devyn!!

A very special “Happy Birthday” to our number one fan, Devyn. We here at Secretly Timid hope you have a wonderful day. You are 21…so you must drink to excess and wake up in a strange place in a puddle of mystery fluid. Think of it as one of those “rights of passages.”

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/6011704″]

Music Preview : Alexander Ebert

Hey Guys and Dolls,

Our friends over at Vagrant Records just sent us some tunes from Alexander Ebert. We like what we hear. In fact, Jon liked it so much that he did two cartwheels and attempted the chinese splits. It didn’t end well. Here are two tracks from Ebert’s debut album. Expect a full review in the next couple of weeks.

“Truth”

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/playlists/548716″]

“Million Years”

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/9754115″]

Lazy Teenage Superheroes

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rN4JIz7uq40[/youtube]

I know this has been on the interwebs for  a while now…but I just saw this this morning. I am in awe at what these kids (am I at an age where I can call them kids??) were able to create with just a $300 budget. A tip of the glass to these talented young lads (and one lassie).

Just a Little Bit of History Repeating : ThunderCats Reboot

I don’t want to be a ‘hater.’ I really don’t. I know that history repeats. I mean, just ten years ago boot cut jeans were ‘in.’ We were supposed to wear them low on the waist. Now jeans are so tight that avoiding moose knuckle is nearly impossible. Fashion aside, there seems to be a trend blossoming. First it was He-Man, then it was live action G.I. Joe…now it is the ThunderCats….HO.

Was I the last to know? I was just minding my own business when I noticed that one of my favorite childhood memories was trending on the twitter machine. I did a little google-ing and discovered that Cartoon Network is rebooting the series. The series will debut later this year.

I feel conflicted. At first I was like “Oh cool, man….I can’t wait to hear the new intro music.” After a peek at the promotional images my excitement receded like Prince William’s hairline. Is Tygra holding a gun? Why does Lion-O look like Cloud from Final Fantasy? And oh…my sweet Cheetara…what have they done to you?

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Sesame Street has two new Residents

The cast and I briefly discussed this story about Katy Perry last episode. In brief, I found it offensive that Perry, while performing at her alma mater, in an act of revenge dedicated her song “Ur So Gay” to a boy who snubbed her romantic advances years ago. Perhaps I am overly sensitive, but English comedian Simon Amstell commented best on this subject on the show Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

Well, this past week Perry’s berries caused a mild controversy when the producers of Sesame Street yanked her episode off the air due to her bodacious cleavage. I have seen the clip and yes, she is rocking some major cleavage. However, I interpreted her costume to be nothing more than a Faerie Princess costume. Was it low cut? Yes. Should it have been that low cut? Probably not, but she is a pop star…and I don’t think a four or five year old would notice or care.

Let’s get real. The only ones offended (in my opinion) were the parents. Perhaps with reason, that sort of cleavage looks better on Miss Piggy. Today on The View Elisabeth Hasselbeck used the “slippery slope” argument…stating “what will come, next”?

Personally, I think this is much ado about nothing. It annoys me that some parents are citing that they are “protecting” their children, as if cleavage was dangerous… In the end, Sesame Street and Perry got some press, and late night talk show hosts got some material. What do you think? Did the producers make the right call?

Did the producers make the right call by not airing Perry's episode?

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